Sunday, October 16, 2011

Fustrated in more ways than one...

Ok so my purpose of this blog is to bitch and moan about the pain I am in everyday so if someone else out there has the same symptoms or just feels kinda like I do they know they aren't alone.  There are alot of us out there suffering in silence or not silence that look perfectly fine but feel horrendous pain through out our day. 

Today I am not going to bitch about the pain as much as I am going to bitch about my life.  I'm married and I have 2 teenagers.  The kids are pretty good about things as they were pretty young when it all started.  My husband is pretty good about things as he has his own issues so he normally understands.  But I am so damn tired of not having a sex life.  I almost forget what its like.  And that is just depressing.  We used to have sex all the time....and then we got married.  My pain issues started slowly and got much worse over the years.  He has some neck and shoulder problems then BAM he has a couple of blood clots in his knee that they can't do anything with and he is in constant pain also. 

Lovely we are both broken in body and its breaking part of our relationship with it.  We have talked and fought about it.  At one point he actually told me he felt I married him only for the sex.  So I stopped instigating sex.  I still don't really instigate sex.  When I finally get desparate enough to instigate it doesn't work out well for me.  He is either too tired or what not and he doesn't turn me down and well he also isn't into it.  So yeah I get sex but bad sex is not always better than no sex.

We used to be swingers.  I say used to because I haven't had a toy on the side in ages.  He still does at times.  I only have a problem with it when I am not getting any or any good sex and he is going to his girlfriends.  I need to find myself a boytoy but I want to be satisfied with us before having an extra.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

What do weekends and money have in common?? They never last long enough!

The weekend is over and I am not happy about it.  I am hurting more than I was on friday so I am really really not looking forward to the torture they call training where I am working now.  I am so very tired of sitting for hours on end while the trainer who does not know what he is doing trains us on stuff that he doesn't understand.  Half of the class doesn't understand any of it.  I fortunately am understanding most of it.  Maybe I am just lucky. 

But pain wise its just getting worse.  Part is the fact that the weather is getting cold again and that in itself just makes it tons worse.  I can't handle the changes in the weather the cold just kills me.  And now I have no choice I have to be at work.  I can't afford to not go in.  I only have 3 weeks in that is not enough for FMLA or disability.  So I am just prayign I can avoid the wheelchair for about 2 months that gets me far enough out of training that they  hopefully won't think I no longer have a brain just because it hurts too much to walk. 

My meds aren't controlling the pain anymore.  They barely take a dent in them.  And I can't go to the doc till next month when I will no longer have insurance.  Will be interesting too see if the doc wants to up my meds how much it will cost me to fill them.  I don't know if I can afford the change.  And I don't know if I can handle not changing it. 

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Good News Bad news....even more pain

At work we got our schedules for after we graduate training.  Starting on halloween my schedule is 7:20 to whenever.  Sucks for the kids since that is when thier school starts.  Noone in either of the training class who has either the 7:50 or 8:20 start time is willing to trade with me.  So I get to find the resource manager and see if I am allowed to trade schedules with a senior rep.  Then if I am I get to ask him if he can by chance tell me who are the reps with those schedules so I can go ask them to trade with me.  Who wouldn't want to get off earlier???

Now onto the pain, the fibro is in a serious flare up!!  To top it all off the weather is changing.  So weather changes cause all the joint pains to be worse.  Fibro flare up right now means that the pain is worse (duh doesn't it always mean that) and the fatigue is kicking my ass.  I spend half the training class fighting to keep my eyes open and nodding off.  Since its customer service week and we get an extra 15 minutes to play the games they set up our trainer gives us one 30 minute break.  I spent that break sleeping with my head down on my desk since I knew I wouldn't be able to stay awake otherwise.

Due to the pain and my stupid refusal to use my wheelchair I am moving about as fast as a snail.  I know people are just trying to be nice by holding the door but really you don't need too.  There is no reason for  you to wait 3 minutes for me to get to where it took you 10 seconds to get too.  I know I am slow right now and I don't mind.  Trying to move faster just makes it more painful and honestly ups my risk of falling.  I lose my balance alot when the fibro flares up.  And the fog is just getting fun since I am so bored in class lol.  But back to the holding doors.  Seriously if I say thanks but no thanks go ahead and let it close.  I won't be upset and I also won't feel like I have to hurry and get there since I am wasting your time.  I know I am slow that is why I am walking next to the wall out of the way.  If you pay attention you will also see that every now and then I have to put my hand out to stay standing.

Fortunately it's not really the people in the class.  The ones who walk with me I have talked with about my pain issues.  And most the guys just naturally slow down.  I don't find myself hanging out with any of the females this week.  I got kinda tired of thier entitled attitudes, seems I can handle them for short periods of time.  But I really don't want to teach you what the trainer and his assistant just taught the class.  I mean hey if you paid attention instead of texting, checking your bank account, reading anything on the web that has nothing to do with what he is teaching you may just  understand what he is talking about.  Yes I may be helping the guys out that I am sitting with but there are a couple of differences.  They are helping me understand what I don't manage to catch and they have been with the company and know a hell of a lot more about how it works than you and I put together.  And this is finally stuff about our jobs you should probably pay attention.  But ya know what in a couple of months we will see who it works out for best.  Being that I am already helping other people with some of this stuff I can pretty much tell ya my stats will be good on merit alone.  What about you??

Monday, October 3, 2011

Lovely just lovely.....

With all the chronic pain issues I have that lovely time of the month that us women have to deal with every freaking month is much worse for me.  The flow hasn't even started yet really but I have the migraine from hell and I just plain hurt like hell too.  I don't have any migraine meds and I can't take off work to take care of myself for it since I just got this job and have only been there 3 weeks.  Ugh tommorrow is going to suck even more than today did.

Training was hell.  It took hours to go over and over something that will take 5 minutes max to do during a phone call.  First it took an hour for the trainer and his assistant to cover it all and walk us through it.  Then awhile later we are told to do it ourselves and save it a certain way in a folder.  I do mine in 2 minutes.  Some people didn't finish until it was time to leave 45 minutes later.  I don't understand how you can be hired for the job if you don't have a certain amount of intelligence.  I am not a genius I passed high school and did not go to college.  But if I can somehow understand this simple stuff that is part of what will be our everyday jobs why is it that 3/4's of the class can't seem too?

Maybe its cause the trainer doesn't know our job at all and he has never trained or been trained for it so he has a helper who is usually a rep on desk.  The helper knows the job but doesn't know how to train at all.  Lovely just lovely.  The trainer really needs to stop grabbing himself and scratching himself while in front of the class.  The helper has worn the same pair of pants for over a week.  And noone wants to correctly show the class how to troubleshoot for the tech support job we have where we should start taking calls next week!!  fun fun.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Finally found work

Well I thought I was going to actually post more but now I more than likely will.

You see I finally found work.  I had been laid off of my old job in October of 2010 and found new work at a new company in September of 2011.  I did tell the new company that I have health issues that requires I leave for a doctor at least once a month sometime more.  They stated in the interview that there would be no problems with that.  I am hoping they didn't lie to me.

Since I have only worked there for 2 weeks I am not eligible for FMLA.  And i do not have time off yet so they will have to help me switch schedules with someone or work later for me to be able to attend my doctor's appointments.  So my fingers are crossed that we won't have a problem with that.  My pain doctor's office did give me a written prescription for October's meds that I can fill out when it is due so I don't need to go back till November.  Too bad I won't have insurance in November or December.  But according to my information since our insurance lapse is less than 63 days I won't have to deal with the preexisting medical condition thing.

My concern at the moment is that my pain is steadily getting worse.  When I have to wear a wrist brace I have people asking me what happened.  I know they are only trying to be nice but these are the same people that I warned that I have problems so hopefully they wouldn't freak out when I do have to use the wheelchair.  And noone in this place seems to have to use a wheelchair.  I am worried about when I have to break down and use mine, when it get bad enough that the only way I can make it is to wheel myself around since the pain is too high to do otherwise.  Will they find a bs reason to let me go since there is no union at this place or will they remember that my brain works fine and has worked fine when I could walk too.  And its not like I can't walk...I can it just makes life more painful to do that. 

Oh and add into it all the fact that only the entrance door has the handicap button to open the door.  The bathroom has stalls but no door opener so it will be fun to try to go to the bathroom.  I am probably freaking myself out more than I need to but I do know that no matter how much I want to think it doesn't happen I do also know that it does.  I am just hoping that it doesn't happen to me.  I am already dealing with alot of my problems flaring up more than they have in a year I really don't want more stress on top of it.

So wish me luck that I make it out of training and that they don't all start looking at my differently when I do have to use the chair.  The last place did and half the people actted like having a wheelchair was contagious and they could catch it from me.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Tired all the time

I must be in some type of flare up.  Yesterday my doc did mention that the "new" formulation of one of my meds was causing alot of problems for a ton of people.  Meaning that the med wasn't working as well as it used too due to the change.  I was surprised I hadn't even thought of that being a reason for my increased pain in the last couple of months.

I mean since I lost my job I haven't done much more than sit on the couch and search for work or read so my pain should be less right??  But it's not it has actually been getting worse.  I figured at my next appointment I would see the doc instead of the pa so we could increase my dosage but now it could be from the new formula and not having my body getting used to the meds.  That would mean a new med completely and since I am allergic to morphine I am kinda limited.  I want to stay on  the same med so that in a few years I can change to the higher power ones.  I don't want to be stuck at 40-50 with no new choice on pain meds.  I started on these too young due to the pain starting to want to be stuck old and in pain.

And I just couldn't stay awake today.  Got the kids off too school, looked for work I could try to handle, contacted the staffing agency to see if they had anything and fell asleep reading my book.  Accidentally slept for 3 hours.  I never sleep that long at all unless its night time and time too sleep for 8 hours.  It's nuts there was actually things I wanted to get done today but my body decided that it was not going to happen.

Oh well maybe tomorrow I can get done some of the stuff I have been putting off forever.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Doc Appt Today

I had an appointment with the pain management doctors office.  Probably a good things although it was only with the PA and for a med refill.  I got to complain about calling in to refill my meds and the front office giving me shit acting like I am filling my meds early when I am not.  When I am calling on day 30 when I am given a 30 day prescription it is because I am out and need more of my meds.  Yes I take highly addictive meds but I am not taking more than prescribed. 

I really hate being treated like I am an addict.  I am not I only take what is prescribed.  So when my last med was given to me on the 23rd and the month had 31 days in it I will need to have my meds on the 22nd or I will be out of meds to take.  And if it is extremely important for me to always take my med on time do not get mad at me when my pain is out of control since you are keeping me from doing that.

Also weird is last night I am laying in bed reading and my arms start itching.  Next thing I know I have hives from my hands to my elbows.  The PA thinks I had a reaction to something touching my skin.  Strange as all I was doing was laying in bed and the only thing my skin reacts to like that is Lavender.  Which sucks to be allergic too since it is in almost everything.  So all the bedding is being washed today to make it safe and I am taking allergy pills and putting a benedryl cream on my skin.  Hope it clears up soon the itching is driving me nuts and I don't want to spend even more money on another doctor since I am still out of work.